Planet England
by x Varda x
Summary: John and Rodney visit a strange world, where Jumpers have gears, potty mouthed locals lay in wait, and down and out heroes drown their sorrows. There's also the dragon... that might need slaying. Poor Rodney.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N – Happy St George's Day! Part one of two._

_**Planet England**_

"What the hell is this place?!" Rodney yelped, as the deluge of rain he and John had been enduring abruptly dried up to reveal bright sunshine.

"I was about to ask you the same thing," John said, while he spiked up his decidedly limp, wet hair.

They were walking along a well worn gravel footpath that fell away on each side into ditches. Large oak trees surrounded them, but the path soon opened out into rolling fields and meadows with birds tweeting happily in the sunlight.

Rodney grimaced as he squelched along and shook out his arms where his soggy sleeves still clung tightly. "Can we go back now? I'm soaked through. We'll get pneumonia like this."

John shook his head and dislodged some more drops of water.

Rodney rubbed the liquid from his eyebrows and mumbled, "Perhaps we could go back, so you can sort your hair out?"

A slight frown creased John's forehead and he ran his hands through his unruly locks again to make sure the strands were sticking out every which way. He asked, "Are there any energy readings?"

Rodney retrieved his scanner and his eyes widened, "Yes, two. A small one a few hundred metres ahead, and a much larger one several miles away."

"Can you tell what they are from the scanner?"

"Yes," Rodney snarled, "One's the Sugar Plum Fairy and the other's the wand."

"McKay!" John scolded.

Rodney rolled his eyes and corrected, "No. I don't know." He tapped the scanner again. "But we've got company."

A large group of young men appeared on the footpath, all of them had hoods drawn up over their heads. Some had empty bottles and others held bats and knives.

The leader – the one with the _biggest_ knife – stepped up and spoke, "Hand over all your stuff or the old geezer gets it."

A youth grabbed Rodney from behind and placed a broken bottle near his throat. Rodney squeaked in fright, but then his face fell in anger, _"Old?"_

The grip across his chest tightened and the bottle brushed his neck, leaving a thin trail of blood. John had his gun drawn, but there were just too many of them.

The ringleader piped up again, "You two come here, poncing around with your fancy gear and expect _not_ to be mugged?!"

A loud gunshot nearby startled them all. It hadn't come from John. The youths stood firm for a few seconds until a second shot fired, closer and louder and accompanied by a shouting, "Clear off you lot! Can't have all you lads scaring off our neighbours now!"

The source of the gunshots and shouts came along the path behind the team. It was a man, just a little bit older than those in the group surrounding John and Rodney. The newcomer was wearing a black uniform and he had a gun, but it didn't look like a real one, especially not when he pointed it up in the air and shot out a flare with another loud bang. He held a stick in his other hand, which was half the length of those wielded by the men.

The youths looked at him and then at John, who was still steadily pointing his real gun at them.

The leader's face fell and he addressed his companions, "Bugger this, let's get out of here!"

The group scattered and the one holding Rodney shoved him forwards as he was released. Rodney clutched his neck and winced, but the bleeding had stopped and the cut was shallow.

"And you are?" John asked the newcomer.

"I'm PC Dave. Just a copper doing my bit. But that Asbo Gang… it's nowt but hooligans and layabouts. They'll get what's coming to them. You need to speak with Duke. He's a right top bloke, he'll have you on your way in no time."

Rodney had wrapped a thin gauze bandage around his neck like a bright white ruff and he pointed at the energy signals on his scanner, "Do you know what these are? Preferably in a language we can understand."

"Well, that nearest one is the downed field hopper. Yobs trashed it a few weeks back. The other one… that'll be the dragon. Poor George, it's his turn to try and get rid of it this week, before it takes any more young ladies."

"Field hopper?" Rodney grinned, _"Dragon?"_

"Yeah, it's got itself a nice hidey hole up in the hills, can't hoick the bloody thing out of there, even with half the gold left in this place or a young beauty."

"You send your people to it?" John asked in shock.

"No, it flaps down to us and nabs them. Only one left now, the Duke's daughter. But she's well locked up, can't go out even to make daisy chains, poor mite."

They reached the 'field hopper' and Rodney's face fell. "It's just a Puddle Jumper."

"Jumper, what, like a pullover? Looks more like a fancy carriage to me."

Rodney walked up to it and John followed and pushed him back before opening the rear hatch and going inside.

Lights came on and the ship powered up at John's gene.

Dave followed them inside and cried in shock, "Cor blimey! What you do to it?"

John grinned back, "We got the power back online. Shall we see if it flies?"

Rodney and John took their usual places in the cockpit and John reached forward for the control sticks and frowned in confusion. He turned to Rodney, who smiled smugly back as he held the control sticks and said, "Looks like I'm driving then?"

John got up and shoved him out of the way. "A right hand drive Jumper? Weird."

The Jumper _did _fly though, despite the scrawl of graffiti and silly string and eggs all over it. At least, it flew after John stalled it a few times, before finally getting used to the gears. They made quick time back to the village under Dave's slightly misleading, but no less gleeful instruction.

"Plonk it down there," Dave announced, pointing to an open square in the sprawling village before them.

"What about the energy reading? The dragon!" Rodney asked.

"We have to find the Duke first, and then get George."

Several men were prancing around in the square as Rodney, John and Dave exited the ship. They had bells on their legs and jingled their way through intricate synchronised dance sequences to some upbeat accordion music, hitting the sticks they held against those held by their companions. Lots of the villagers were gathered round clapping and shouting them on. But there were no women in sight.

Rodney covered his ears and shouted, "Where's this Duke?"

Dave gestured for them to follow him down the cobbled streets past the rickety housing, to the biggest, ricketiest house of the lot.

"In 'ere," Dave said, leading them through the door into the most atypical manor John or Rodney had ever seen. Suits of armour and painted portraits added to the wooden panel decor. He took them into a study, complete with a feather quill on the desk and wall-to-wall bookshelves holding many consecutively numbered matching tomes.

A servant, in the form of a kindly old lady, approached them and Dave left them in her care. She spoke quietly, "The Duke, bless his soul, will see you shortly, my dears. May I get you something?"

"We're good, thanks," John said.

"Speak for yourself," muttered Rodney. "What have you got?"

"Tea and scones. Or perhaps, you both being such lovely young men, would prefer some nice cucumber sandwiches?"

"That'll do," Rodney said with a broad grin.

Sheppard slapped Rodney's arm.

The woman smiled and left them, bringing back a large tray a few minutes later. Rodney was on his third scone when the Duke came blustering in. He had a large heavy chain around his neck and a fur lined red cape on his shoulders. "Fair ye well travellers. I am the Duke of Dragonforge."

"I'm Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard and the one who ate all your scones is Doctor Rodney McKay," John said. "You're in charge here?"

The man looked a little uncomfortable as he replied in his posh voice, "More or less."

Rodney narrowed his eyes, "What does that mean?"

"Well, the Queen has the final say in all matters. And what, may I ask, brings you to this place?"

"Trade."

"Information and technology," Rodney added. "What's this dragon?"

"Ah, yes. You have been speaking with PC Dave I understand. Well, George is the brave soul who has been volunteered for slaying duty this month. The dastardly creature has taken so many of our fairest young maidens lately we are coming to our wit's end!"

"We'll help," John said.

"What?!" Rodney cried. "No, you can't be serious. We don't even know what it is!"

"Energy reading?"

Rodney lowered his eyes and sighed, "Alright, but George can do it, we'll just help a little bit, perhaps turn it off for future study."

The Duke said, "If you can persuade him to, then I say: tally ho, onwards chaps! Young George has been in the wars lately though, drowning his sorrows in the pub, The Green Dragon, in the village square. Such a terribly fitting name for a time such as this."

----------

"Yea verily, I sayeth, that I, Sir George, didst smite the mightiest foe of that land!" a man announced loudly the moment John and Rodney entered the dark and dingy smoke hole that was The Green Dragon pub.

"I suppose that's the guy then?" Rodney asked quietly. "What's he going to do, gloat it to death?"

George heard them and came over, weaving a path and grinning unnervingly. "Ah, more noble guests hath come to partake in this most glorious retelling on this solemn day."

John asked, "Solemn? Why, what's wrong?"

"For today, I forsake my life in a heroic, yet hopeless, quest. None have withstood the purging fires of the beast, and I shall surely perish before the sun goeth down. Of all the deeds of my kin, this wilt indeed be the last."

"That's where we come in," John said and grabbed the half empty beer tankard from George's hand.

"Why dost thou taketh the beverage away?"

"You've had enough," Rodney said bluntly.

George's eye blazed in anger and he diverted them to Rodney, who quaked and squeaked, "No no no. It's okay, if you want more, go ahead."

George grabbed the tankard back from John and took a giant gulp. "And what canst two peasants of such lowly stature and upbringing do to prevent my untimely demise?"

Rodney bunched his hands into fists so tight that his knuckles went white. It was only John's warning look and hand on his arm that stayed him. Rodney gritted his teeth and said, "We'll turn off the dragon."

"Turn it off? Thee meanest to slay it before I?!"

John stepped in again, before their new friend found cause to smite Rodney. "What he's _trying_ to say is; be brave and noble and do your thing. Go for the dragon and save all the fair maidens. We know you can do it!"

George straightened up and puffed out his chest. "You speaketh fair words for a peasant."

John grinned back, but his expression was devoid of mirth. Rodney was scowling.

George called out, "Page. Oh, Page."

A smaller man came scurrying out of the shadows. "Sire?"

"Fetch me my steed and armour. I have a dragon to slay."


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

George did look as noble and heroic as he had bragged, once his was clad from head to toe in shining armour and sat upon his large white horse. He held a spear aloft and a shield in his left hand, emblazoned with a red cross on white.

He pushed up the visor and hiccupped down at the gathered crowd. They all cheered, but Rodney rolled his eyes and John looked decidedly uncertain about the whole thing.

"He's going to need a lot of help to stay on the horse," Rodney muttered to John. "Let alone slay a dragon."

John nodded and they went back to the Jumper.

They flew along and tracked George as he directed his horse out of the village and onto the path winding up into the hills. How he got his horse to weave drunkenly like that, John was unsure. Perhaps he'd put some beer in its water so that they were both in the mood?

The green grass and trees gradually got browner and then the forest took on a distinctly black, charcoal look as they approached a large cave entrance.

John kept the Jumper hovering while George made his fat horse prance back and forth in front of the cave - an enticing entrée for whatever was lurking in the darkness. Rodney ran some scans and tapped away at the console, muttering quietly to himself about power outputs and the likelihood of ZPMs.

John turned on the outer sound sensors so that they could hear what George was saying, if anything.

"Cometh to me, you foul beast of yesteryear. Thou shalt no longer terror the skies of this fair land, nor turneth the trees and fields to ash."

John watched on the HUD as the energy reading shifted within the cave and then came dashing out. It was as big as a house, scaly green with a round yellow belly and glowing yellowy orange eyes. It snarled and snapped its jaws, which looked like they'd be able to gulp down George, horse, spear and all, if it wanted to. It had enormous wings as green as its hide, but with skin membranes between the bone fans. It spread its wings high and very nearly twatted the Jumper from the sky until John moved it.

The roar it emitted made the Jumper shake and Rodney's hands involuntarily twitched upwards to cover his ears. John turned the volume down and readied the weapons to fire at the thing.

"What is it?" John asked.

"I don't know. It's certainly not alive, but without getting closer and running some more detailed scans, I can only speculate."

George held his spear up and held the horse's reins tightly to keep it from bolting. Both were either extremely brave, or very _very_ drunk, not to run away immediately. "I shall giveth thee one chance to leave this place and never return, or you shall know the wrath of my spear!"

The dragon snarled again and crouched down on all fours and arched its back. Uncooked food obviously didn't agree with it, for it opened its mouth wide and look a huge breath before belching a fireball towards George.

The horse did bolt then and tossed George to the ground only just out of the path of the flames.

John's finger tightened on the drone trigger, "Screw this! Let's toast this overgrown flambé griller!"

"No!" Rodney cried. "Don't shoot it!"

"What? Why not? It's about to turn George into a metal clad human hotpot."

"Pre-emptive quips aside, firing a drone at it would be a very bad idea."

Rodney waved out of the window at the scene before them. George had staggered up and was randomly poking his spear at the dragon, but he was too far away to hit it and the dragon watched lazily, almost in disinterest.

"You see that glowing orange light coming from its eyes?"

John squinted and nodded.

"Well, I have reason to believe that that is the power source. And if these readings and my calculations are correct, which, of course, they are, then it's a ZPM in that thing's head."

"ZeePM for brains? McKay, I think we've found a suitable soulmate for you."

Rodney scowled back, but ignored the comment and carried on, "Anyway, it's a ZPM, so if you shoot it with a drone, there's a chance you could destroy the ZPM too."

"That would be bad?"

Rodney rolled his eyes, "Bad as in: blow up the hill, us, George and his overfed horse, and most likely the village too."

They paused to watch as George rolled out of the way of another ball of flame.

John said, "I think that thing ate something that disagreed with it to have that level of heartburn. Got any indigestion remedies?"

Rodney harrumphed and opened his mouth to speak, when George suddenly threw his spear, javelin-like, and it lodged in the dragon's neck.

The creature paused for a moment and then tugged it out with a sharp clawed hand. It crushed the weapon to dust and roared out a stream of fire into the sky, right towards the Jumper.

John's instincts controlled the ship through the neural interface at that point. No way would he have been quick enough if he had had to press buttons. Some of the flames caught the side of the ship and the temperature increased greatly as the hull creaked.

Rodney fanned his face while using his other hand to clutch himself over the heart. "That was close."

The cloak remained on, and the dragon didn't notice as it once more stared at the annoying human, who now shook a large sword at it in anger.

"So, if spears don't do anything, you don't have antacids and I can't shoot a drone at it, how _do_ we stop it?"

Rodney sighed and rubbed his sweaty forehead. "I have an idea, but you'll need to get closer. As close as you can to the back of its neck."

"What for?"

Rodney grimaced, "So that I can interface with the control panel there. It's the only access point and the only way to stop it. But we need to be right there, it only works at close range."

John nodded and flew the ship down lower, carefully manoeuvring it to avoid the twitching wings as the dragon sat on its haunches and leered down at George as he stabbed in vain at its scaly feet with his sword, all the while he shouted, "Heathen beast, dieth that right early by my sword that was forged by the purest virgins of this land!"

He may as well have been using a feather, because the dragon flicked him with the foreclaw of his other hand and George flew through the air and landed in a heap of clanging metal several metres away. He stood up almost straight away and charged with a loud shout.

Rodney got up and John asked, "Hey, what are you doing?"

"I need to be in the rear compartment to access it."

John nodded and went back to concentrating on not hitting the dragon and alerting it to their presence.

Once the Jumper was in position, with a nice view of two massive wings and a long wiggling tail with a large spearhead at the end, he called out to Rodney, "This can be done remotely, right?"

His answer was the swish of the rear hatch opening, and the next moment, Rodney was gone.

John flew the Jumper around and hailed Rodney on the comm without reply. He watched as the dragon snorted and flapped its wings while Rodney clung on for dear life and clambered across its back.

John watched as Rodney popped open a panel at the base of the dragon's neck and his fingers flew over the console there. The dragon ignored George's poking sword as it focused its attention on the far more dangerous foe on its back. Rodney grabbed its neck to stop from falling when it turned its long neck and snapped at him. It couldn't quite reach him, but he still flinched away and closed his eyes.

"Come on, McKay," John said on the open comm channel. If Rodney was listening; "Work faster."

Rodney started typing again as the dragon took a breath and smoke poured from its nostrils. It was just about to exhale a sigh that would turn Rodney to a blackened crisp, when the dragon disintegrated into metal dust, all except for the glowing ZPM in its head which went dull and fell down.

But without anything supporting him anymore, Rodney also fell, and it was several metres to the ground. John watched in horror as Rodney landed facedown with a solid smack on the unforgiving glassy rocks below. He didn't even bounce or roll, but absorbed the entire impact in one hit, before he slipped off and fell the rest of the way to the ground with a dull thump. He flopped down onto his back and laughed in relief, but then he started coughing, winced and decided that holding his breath would be best. His eyes slid shut and he stopped moving.

John lowered the Jumper down and didn't even bother waiting for it to land, trusting the inertial dampeners to absorb the heavier touchdown. He ran into the rear compartment, grabbed the medkit and sprinted over to Rodney's sprawled form.

He saw the George was unharmed and his horse had come back. He was already spouting more oldé English oaths while holding his sword aloft, so John ignored him in favour of kneeling down next to Rodney, who lay flat on his back and didn't seem to be breathing. John found a rapid pulse and then unzipped Rodney's tac vest and placed his hand lightly in the centre of his chest to check for breath. "McKay?"

Rodney's chest suddenly hitched under John's hand.

"You okay?"

Rodney coughed and moaned, but kept his eyes shut. "I just fell off a dragon. What do _you_ think?"

John moved his hand up to Rodney's shoulder and squeezed gently as he said, "You _sound_ okay."

Rodney opened his eyes and inhaled a deeper breath and grimaced.

"We should probably get you back though," John conceded. "Maybe ask someone in the infirmary to prod you to find out where it hurts."

"Or you could just _ask."_

John raised his eyebrows.

"Everywhere," Rodney mumbled sadly.

John helped Rodney up; he staggered before he found his feet and held his left arm over his chest. Bruises were already forming on his face from the tumble he'd taken, and there were scrapes on his hands, and his clothes were covered in ashes and torn in places, revealing more cuts and bruises. John knew there were worse injuries hidden under Rodney's clothes, possibly internal bleeding that could become life threatening the longer they stayed there. And the fact that Rodney wasn't sharing long, detailed lists of all his woes was also worrying.

George espied them and called out haughtily, "Hast thou comest acropper on yon savage rock?"

"Yeah, that's one way of putting it," John said while Rodney leaned heavily against him.

"What the hell were you thinking, McKay!? You could've been killed!"

"Well, you can fly and there's no way you'd know what buttons to press to turn it off without the smoking ZPM-sized crater outcome as mentioned earlier. So, it was the only way."

George grinned as he picked up the ZPM and turned it over in his hands. "The beast hath yielded a mighty jewel in its demise at my hand! It is not payment for the fair maids it tooketh away, but it is a fine trophy."

Rodney didn't say anything at all to that and John furrowed his brow. Rodney would want the ZPM, but must've been badly hurt to keep silent.

Rodney pulled the scanner out of a pocket in his open tac vest. The screen was smashed, but it worked and he said quietly, "There's still an energy reading in the cave. But I'm picking up lifesigns too."

"Another dragon?" John asked as he supported Rodney on the long trek back to the Jumper parked a few metres away from Rodney's landing place.

"No. Too small."

George was following them and announced, "Dost thou meanest to proclaim that this foul beast hath produced offspring in its dastardly sojourn, which was cut short by my mighty hand?!"

Rodney blinked languidly and whispered, "Humans."

John turned to George and said, "Go back to the village and do as much posturing as you like, we'll be back in a few hours to check it out."

Rodney planted his feet and John could no longer shift him.

"What are you doing, McKay?"

"Too long. Killing the dragon did something. The signals are weakening."

"So are you."

Rodney pushed himself away from John and walked towards the cave in a painfully slow limp.

George came over and cried, "Let me assist you, agéd peasant."

Even with all his armour on, George had strength to spare and held most of Rodney's weight as they engaged in a bizarre three-legged race with John following anxiously.

When they reached the cave, they all glanced around in shock at the scene before them. The dragon's nest was made of gold, but there were pods all around the edge of the cave, and within each one, a woman resided.

"Just what I thought," Rodney said weakly as he pushed away from George and stumbled over to a control panel.

"The beast hath done a foul deed indeed in preserving the remains of its captured maidens for all eternity!"

John went over to Rodney and asked, "They're not really dead are they?"

"N-no." Rodney typed some commands into the console. "The pods are malfunctioning. T-turning off now th-that the Replicator dragon's gone."

He pressed a few more controls and the pods all hissed open. The woman slowly started to awake and George went in and proclaimed himself their saviour.

John asked Rodney quietly, "You don't look so good, can we go back now?"

"Y-yes. Everyone's safe. All g-good." His eyes closed and John only just saved him from landing on the hard ground as he crumpled.

George was busy running his mouth about how heroic and wonderful he was to all the women, but several of them saw John holding onto Rodney's still form while he contemplated how to get him back to the Jumper on his own without causing further injury.

A couple of women broke away from the main group crowded around George and came over. One asked John in a strangely pleasant sing-song voice, "Is he alright, darlin?'"

The other piped up in a scarily similar voice, "Wotcha done to 'im, love?"

John shook Rodney gently and willed him to wake up, but he didn't stir.

Quick as a flash, the women helped John get Rodney back to the Jumper and laid him down with reverence on the deck in the rear compartment. John thanked them and they both giggled and blushed before leaving.

George came clanking over before John could get the door closed. He stepped inside and barely gave Rodney a second glance as he addressed John. "You are both fair peasants indeed, I hope your friend waketh soon from his slumber."

John nodded, "We'll come back to see how you are as soon as we can."

George suddenly handed John the ZPM. "In payment for your service."

John frowned. "Don't you want it?"

George lifted his chin in an eerie imitation of Rodney when he was at his smuggest, "Alas, upon closer gaze, it looketh to be made of the tackiest material I hath ever had the misfortune to set my eyes upon. Wherefore you may keepeth it, for 'tis far too cheap and nasty for my lofty stature."

John smiled, "Well, thanks. We'll see what we can do with it."

George left to escort his entourage back to the village. John first checked that Rodney was still breathing, before speeding the Jumper back to the gate.

---------------

John went with Rodney to the infirmary and waited while Carson and his team scanned Rodney to assess the damage, applied oxygen and then jabbed him with needles.

"How's the dragon slayer doing?" John asked when they seemed done.

Carson gave him a confused look and then took him round to the side of Rodney's bed. That he wasn't in surgery, or hooked up to _too_ many machines released some of the apprehension John felt. But Rodney looked a mess in the bright infirmary lights. Now that he wasn't so dirty, his face appeared more bruised than earlier, and the cuts on his neck, arms and hands were stark against his pale skin and the whiteness of the infirmary scrubs and sheets.

Carson looked at John kindly and said, "He took a nasty whack, our Rodney. Cracked ribs, and deep bruises, along with cuts and scrapes in places he probably doesn't want me to mention."

John grimaced while Carson continued, "Aye, he'll be out of commission for a few weeks. I want to keep him in for at least a couple of days to keep an eye on the bleeding and until he's strong enough to walk on his own."

John placed the ZPM trophy on the bedside table near Rodney's head and smiled. "Hope it was worth it, McKay. Zelenka hasn't checked the charge level yet, we'll wait until you can do it."

He sat down in the chair by Rodney's bed and waited for him to wake up.

----------

A few days later John caught up with Rodney in the mess hall. Ronon and Teyla were with him while they ate lunch. There was big a bottle of painkillers on Rodney's lunch tray and he was tapping away on a tablet in his lap with a fixed grimace.

"You all went back without me," Rodney said accusingly, without looking up from his computer, although he had stopped typing.

John sat down and slid his tray onto the table next to the others. Teyla looked at him briefly and he thought he saw a flicker of sadness in her eyes.

John shrugged, "Sure, we promised."

Teyla furrowed her brow, "They were most grateful that the dragon was gone and the women have been returned."

"You mean they're all fawning around that idiot, George?"

Ronon growled.

Teyla smiled, "They invited us back in a week's time for the Morris and Maypole Dance Festival."

"Whatever that is," John said.

Rodney looked up and gritted his teeth, "Are there any more dragons there for me to fall off to get out of that one?"

"No," Teyla said. "But I hear that many of the women are curious about your role in the dragon slaying."

"They saw you in the cave," John added. "They wondered why you were hurt and George didn't have a mark on him."

Her expression changing to one of mirth, Teyla said, "They think that George is too much of a… how did they put it? A _'smarmy ponce'_ to have killed it."

Ronon grunted, "Most of them think _you_ did it."

"A day of hero worship by a village full of women?" John added with his eyebrows raised.

Rodney resumed typing and said, "Hmm, well, I'll think about it." But a smile was tugging at the corners of his mouth.


End file.
